Currently in between finding myself and running from myself. I left a small, rural town in the middle of nowhere to fly off to the big city of Toronto this past summer for University. Sure – Toronto may not be the biggest city in the world, but it sure is a step up from an isolated, little town!
You may be wondering… why move? What was wrong with town life? Honestly, don’t get me started! There was a lot that I could no longer handle. It just started to feel like I could not breathe. I felt trapped all the time. To make it worse, I had a pretty tough time growing up there. I was that quiet, hardworking girl in high school. I may have achieved all that I set out to achieve in my athletic and academic pursuits, but these two qualities were also my downfalls. Being so hardworking made me narrow minded and caused me to miss out on what everyone reminisces as “the best days of their lives.” Being quiet didn’t help me much either. Those who really know me, know I am by no means a quiet individual. In fact, I have opinions on almost everything, but that outspoken, quirky and outgoing girl was never seen by those I went to school with. I regret it now not showing my true colours and I regretted it everyday I went to school! I couldn’t help it though, as there were stronger forces always pulling me back – my insecurity and lack of self-confidence. I had a lot going on with myself and when I say a lot – I mean A LOT. I was facing many things, some were even very traumatic. For most of high school, I was broken, both physically and mentally. I was a wounded bird who wanted to fly but did not have the strength to lift off and soar.
I won’t get too much more into the nitty gritty of my “past”, but I will make one final comment about it. I never used to be that way – shy and awkward. When I was a kid, people often remarked about how friendly and enthusiastic I was and were in awe of my vitality and thirst for life. I loved the center of attention and I would do anything to prevent others from taking it from me – especially my brother! But I guess, we were all different as kids. As we grow up most of us change and this change is what makes us either come out of our cacoons as social butterflies or hide away in seclusions as hermits. For me, there were a lot of factors that contributed to my drastic personality changes.
Now however, I have set sail to a new part of Canada where I hope that a fresh start will help me find myself again and fix the broken pieces of my past. In my new life, I have not told a soul about the person I used to be and that’s how I plan to keep it. Only those who grow exceptionally close to me will uncover all that I went through. I don’t want the past to hold me back anymore. I want to be all that I can be – strong, confident and friendly. I want more than anything to make something of myself and my life; to be someone. You know what they say, “Those who go through pain and hardship are only made into stronger individuals in the end.” There is no denying that everything that I have dealt with in life has hurt me in every way possible, but it sure as hell has made me bulletproof. With that being said, I am prepared to do what ever it takes to rise above what I used to be and prove to all those that doubted me that I am more than they thought I was.
Complex, sensitive and driven – this is me.